The Power of Kindness

 

Yesterday was one of those days. I was in an inexplicable funk. I just couldn't jumpstart my good mood. You know, we all have those days. For me, it is many things, starting with cabin fever and feeling land locked as I have not had a decent vacation in TWO years. Incredible!!!

I am not up to flying yet. I am still uneasy about being in tight spaces with people. Planes are about as tight as it gets. Not to mention the customers are straight up, bat-shit crazy lately. So I'm good. Land bound I remain and it is killing me...

Additionally, I think the change of season kills my spirit. Every year I swear is my last winter, but here I remain. Shame on me. With every drop in temperature, late start of morning and early nightfall, I literally feel myself more sad... I know, I know with all the traveling I have done, I should have picked my happy spot by now and relocated long ago. Again, shame on me.

I had to teach last night and the night before. Although teaching in person is risky and sometimes I have to drag myself to class, seeing my students enjoy my class and really get the material, brings me joy. I think they like my class! I certainly like having them in my class. They are a really great bunch! So yesterday, despite my funk, I had to find that happy face for them, for at least a few hours. I think I pulled it off. Good for me...

I could feel myself being pretty flat and of limited responsiveness during my visit with my GYN. She and her staff were wonderful. Me? Not so much. It didn't help that I had arrived early but sat in my car until check in time only to realize that my mammogram I thought scheduled following the GYN was not after my visit but before. Duh! I was sitting in the car and missed the damn appointment! Of course I did. This mistake fit right in with my mood and the blah day, with the blah weather, that I was having...

I love that this GYN first meets you in her office while you are fully clothed to review your past year with you. Nice touch of humanity and professionalism robbed from the medical profession by insurance companies and large corporations  who have become the slumlords of medicine. How sad... 

Sometimes the GYN only sees you in the robe "opened in the front" before telling you to scoot down and assume position in the stirrups. It feels so impersonal, kinda' like a "slam, bam, thank you ma'am" date feels. LOL! No, its not the same but this is the only other person who really gets to say hello to that part of you. So setting the stage, easing the anxiety, at least asking my name,  so to speak, helps. My experience is that no matter how many years of doing this dance, still, its a vulnerability that one never gets used to. Hurry up and finish already! Please! LOL!

Anyway, I knew that I was in a mood. I wasn't rude, I just wasn't friendly. Plus now I'm bummed and mentally beating myself up because I missed my mammogram. How could I have entered the wrong time on my calendar?

My Mom died from breast cancer so of the two appointments, the mammo is more important. They have another opening  for a mammogram at the same time as my GYN appointment. I would rather take that appointment. I share this with the GYN and her nurse before her. I would imagine that she could care less about and didn't take it personally or receive it negatively that I'd rather have a mammogram than have my appointment with her, but given my mood, I'm not sure how I said it...

I realize between the office visit and disrobing for my exam, that I need to let her know to ignore me today because I'm in a funk which has nothing to do with her. I tell her as she begins my exam.

Now this is one of those times when talking to a woman makes a difference. She assures me that it is OK and that we all have those days. Zero judgment comes from her. Alternatively, sometimes as women, we respond to attitude with attitude which only makes a bad situation worse. She responds with kindness.

I realize after the exam that she has taken a seat and is just hanging out talking to me. She asks about what I am doing to take care of myself, have I had a vacation, and other small talk. It occurs to me what she is doing. I ask if she is trying to cheer me up? To which she says, yes. That was touching and it is what makes real women, women. I thanked her for her concern and told her she had other patients to see and that she should not let me get her off schedule. But how nice of her. I appreciated her advice to take a vacation which no matter the price, is cheaper than a therapist. More importantly however, it was her random act of kindness that made all the difference. It/she was right on time and just when I needed it.

Not to mention, her staff made arrangements for me to have my mammo following my exam just as I erroneously planned so the day was not a wash. The mammo technician, another woman, was wonderful too. Shout out to Cooper Hospital's Ripa Center for Women'sHealt.  Yes, Ripa as in Kelly. She's  a South Jersey Girl. Great job all around! On a random day,  in the near future, I will send my doctor a random note of appreciation that will hopefully give an unexpected lift to her day!

Be kind to others folks. Its so much easier to do than the alternative.

Wishing you a FAB Day and sending BIG, BIG  Higgi Hugs Your Way!

~ Miss Higgi 

On Another Note...

On another note, several years back, I was bike riding with a white male friend in Miami, Florida. He said to me, "Do you speak to every Black person you see"? I had to laugh at myself because it's just something that I unconsciously do. Not that I speak to every Black person I see but I do try to acknowledge my people in some kind of way... 

I think it important that Black folks affirm and acknowledge one another, at least subliminally. It is important that we affirm and acknowledge ourselves and our humanity in a world that often doesn't see, treat, or regard us as such. Our acknowledgement of one another is an unspoken language shared and understood by and between us... 

But it was interesting to me that I am mostly oblivious to it and my friend was keenly and  very much, aware of it. Self affirmation is not likely something white folks even think about. I get it. They are the majority and in power. That's all the subliminal affirmation they need I suppose... 

I try however, to acknowledge most people,  but especially my people. It costs me nothing. And Sistahs, when we see each other on these mean streets, just say hello, exchange an eye glance, a nod or a wink, raise an eyebrow, flash a fake grin, do something... Just don't be evil. Its so much easier to be kind... And Brothas you too, especially our Gay Brothas, don't think every woman who speaks to you is trying to pick you up. We're just being kind to people who look like us.  

Anyway, we should be kind and at least speak to each other no matter what. A hello or a smile cost us nothing and has the power to change the whole of someone's entire day in such a positive way. Try it...

Teaching Folks How To Treat You...

Earlier this week I had occasion to host a meeting where a white male was invited to speak to a mostly Black and Brown audience. I don't think he was even aware of how he was received. His tone, his posture, his remarks, his everything was just dismissive,  condescending and very white male-ish, "I'm in charge"... 

It's a shame when people can't see how they are received but at the end of the day, it's up to the audience, especially Black and/or Brown people, or sometimes just women, to make it clear that we hear you and we will not be spoken to or  treated as such! 

It is up to us to teach others how to treat us. Therefore, I will have a conversation with the young man and hopefully set him on a better path or at least give him some perception of how he was received. I don't expect that he will hear me. Maybe he will hear the next person as it is our duty to let people like him know how they made us feel. Our comfort matters...

I received him negatively after my second encounter with him. Those days are over.  You don't get to presume that as the "dominant" or majority culture that always you are right and  everybody else around you is wrong or problematic and will eventually fall in line or else... This is not your father or grandfather's generation. You have to take into consideration who is your audience and how you are being received.

It is not a given that just because one is white, male or female for that matter, that their word is bond and is going to be received as gospel and not questioned.  I don't think he has learned that lesson yet. 

We teach folks how to treat us. Time to start teaching new lessons...