February 12th, Then & Now...

The snow is just beginning to fall in Harlem. Thankfully I am watching it from a window in my apartment. I will deal with it tomorrow... 

On this day, February 12, 1987, 32 years ago, I lost my Mom, my very best FRIEND!!! It is a day I will never forget. I had reluctantly just left her bedside at Cooper Hospital in Camden, NJ to go to work in Atlantic City. I didn't want to leave but had just started my job and had been missing a lot of time already. She encouraged me to go and I promised her I would be back that night after work.

I don't remember which casino I was working for, but employees parked our cars away from the casinos on special lots set up for us somewhere on the Atlantic City Expressway before actually entering the city. A shuttle bus would transport us to and from the property. Because I went to the hospital first, it was going to be a late arrival for me so when I got to the shuttle stop, no other employess were there because most had already reported for work. While waiting for the next shuttle bus, I called the office to let them know that I was at the shuttle stop and on my way in. This was 1987, pre cell phones so I used a pay phone.

When I called in, the secretary or whoever answered told me that the hospital had called. I hung up and immediately called Cooper. I spoke to a young female doctor, I wish I knew her name to call her out in hopes that she has become a more compassionate and feeling doctor. My family had instructed that I only be told to come back to the hospital which was probably 45 minutes away. Instead, this young doctor nonchalantly told me that my Mother had just died as though she were telling me my menu choice for dinner was not available. I could not believe it. I had just left her. Yes she was sick and it was clear that the end was imminent but how could she have died so quickly? I had just left. I was a wreck! Of course I was and I was all alone there in the shelter enclosure at the shuttle parking lot. That doctor had no idea where I was, if I was alone, nor did she care. She had zero respect for me or the wishes of my family.

For a long time, I was haunted by the scream I let out when she told me that Mommy had died. It played like a loop in my head. It was especially magnified as I recalled it bouncing extra loudly off the walls surrounding me in that empty shelter enclosure at the shuttle stop. I was all alone in a parking lot in the middle of an expressway not knowing what to do. I could not think to process all that was happening to me. I will never forget it. My sister's boyfriend who also worked in a casino came to get me. We left my car at the shuttle stop and went directly to the hospital. It seemed an eternity for him to come rescue me, literally, and then for us to get to the hospital. I just remember that I wanted to see her so bad. I guess seeing her was all that would make it real...

I was not the person that I am today. I was 26 and not quite as firey. I remember having words with the doctor, that is how I know she was young. Today, I would have had her head as well as the woman I worked for at the casino, who I would also call by name if only I remembered it, who in the midst of the worst crisis of my life, unceremoninously fired me for missing too much time. Instead of flowers from the office, I got a pink slip! Oh yes she did. I was too young and too wounded at the time to fight. Lucky for both of them. Women! Don't tell me that women are more sensitive by mere virtue of gender. It just ain't so...

I did not start out to write this today. I only intended to comment on the snow falling in Harlem. But of course I am aware of what day it is. It remains the worst day of my life...

I am glad to be home today...