I Will ALWAYS Love My Mama...

Today my Mother would have been 79. She died at the tender age of 45. Already I have outlived her by 15 years. Forever she will be young in my mind...

I wonder what she would look like at 79. Her Mom was prematurely gray. She wanted salt and pepper hair so bad. It didn't happen... I am 60 and have never dyed my hair. The gray matter is just showing up in my hair and seemingly in my brain. Some days, I swear! LOL!!!.. 

How cool would she be? How cool would I be? I was her "ride or die" and she knew that...

She used to call me "Lita". Her favorite pastime was bragging about her children. Would she be proud of her Lita? Would I have fulfilled my dream to fill her life with joy and all the material things she sacrificed in her own life raising her five babies? Every year I showered her with tokens of my love for her birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day and of course Christmas. Her friends would eagerly ask, "what did Helen give you this year"? I loved giving her more bragging rights. I lived to make her happy. Now I live...

Would she be in good health? My health is giving me challenges I never expected at 60. WTF??? I watch so many friends struggle with decisions about what to do, where to live, how to manage care and residence for parents aging or with ailing health and I don't envy the very difficult decisions that come with inevitable parent/child role reversal. I do my best to support and cheer them on from my own frame of reference. I would rather not be the "expert". Sigh...

Recently, I advised a friend who was feeling pressured by doctors to take her 97 year old Mom off a ventilator to ignore the daily badgering from doctors who did not value her Mom's life as does she. I told my friend to ask her Mom what she wanted to do. I told her to have her Mom squeeze her finger, blink her eye but in some way to signal her desire. I told my friend to be frank with her Mother, tell her the options as being presented and let her decide. Speaking from experience, I knew it would ease my friend's burden knowing she had honored her Mother's wishes, no matter the outcome. Her Mom signaled that she wanted to live. The doctors said she might last 8 hours breathing on her own. It has been a matter of weeks. She is off the ventilator and holding her own. My friend is at ease...

I was 26 when Mommy died. We had to make the same decision. The cancer was winning despite her courage, determination and fighting spirit. She still had life and hope, as did we. We were all hoping for a miracle and then some crappy doctor punctured her lung while inserting a portacath. I still remember his name, "Jesus", except he wasn't... 

She ended up on a ventilator and we too were put in the situation of what to do. Although she had always said not to resuscitate her, when it came time to make that decision, I still remember the relief of not being burdened to make the final decision regarding her life. She was able to tell us what she wanted in terms of resuscitation. She was only 45 with two new grandchildren who she adored. She was still young. Life was good. Of course she wanted to live...

Would she have overcome her fear of flying and traveled the world with me? I think so... 

I will never forget her dropping me at JFK to travel for a semester abroad in Spain. She was fearful of my flying and my free spirit I suppose. She never thought I would get on that plane traveling so far away from her and the comfort of the nest she had created. I was 21 and had never flown before. Valencia, Spain was my first flight. I cried like a baby before getting on that plane. I literally had a temper tantrum of proportions on par with any five year old. Still I am embarrassed...

Mommy had gone to park the car and the mean ole' flight attendants made me get on the plane without seeing her to say good-bye. I was beside myself... Still I got on that plane in 1982 and I have been traveling ever since; six of the seven continents. Life has been rewarding... Mommy had written me a long letter to read on the plane, just in case I overcame her fear and got on. She mailed it to me later in Valencia. In it, she told me how proud she was of me. I still have the letter. Five months later, I came home early in May and surprised her for Mother's Day. Thank God I did. I had only four more Mother's Days to give her joy...

If I heard her voice, would I recognize it? Please keep recordings of your loved ones voice. 33 years later and still I want to see her, hold her, tell her how much I love and admire her (which I did not say often enough), thank her for life but oh to hear her voice...

Every year on her birthday, I hear Eric Clapton singing Tears from Heaven in my head. It is a sad song he wrote about the death of his 5 year old young son. I cannot imagine his heartbreak. They say the hardest deaths are that of a Mother or a child. I believe it...

Click here to enjoy the lyrics and the softness of his voice, the gentle melody, the peacefulness of the song . All of it, it just soothes me... The lyrics and the audio are posted below.

After raising 5 kids she was just beginning to live when she died. It was her turn. Life can be so damn cruel. Live People Live!!!

Happy "Would Be 79th" Birthday Mommy!!! Lita STILL LOVES you more than you will ever know...

Tears From Heaven

Would you know my name

If I saw you in heaven?

Would it be the same

If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong and carry on

'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven

Would you hold my hand

If I saw you in heaven?

Would you help me stand

If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way through night and day

'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees

Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please

Beyond the door, there's peace, I'm sure

And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven

Would you know my name

If I saw you in heaven?

Would you be the same

If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong and carry on

'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven

Celebrating Stacey; The "Angry" Black Woman and The Power of One

I read an excellent article this morning, Trump's Accusations of Fraud in Georgia Echo Decades of Racial Violence, Georgia's Black Voters are Carrying on the Fight Their Parents and Grandparents Started.  The opinion piece thoughtfully reviews the historical context of suppression of the Black vote in Georgia specifically but illustrative of how the Black vote was suppressed throughout the south generally and across the nation, albeit more subtlety.

Kudos to Stacey Abrams for avenging in a big way, that which was done to her but more importantly, to our Ancestors who dared to exercise their right to vote. Their blood permeates the red stained soil in Georgia as they were terrorized and murdered for daring to live, act or think themselves full citizens of the US. Is that not ultimately what the exercise of voting really says? 

Still not sure why many Black folks are conflicted or flat out reject citing a pledge of allegiance that does not speak to, for or about us (read it) or saluting a flag that rejects us? 

Still not sure why Colin Kaepernick took a knee and the Black community kneeled with him? 

Still not sure why Black Lives Matter? 

Still not comprehending or appreciating the might of the Black woman and/or the might of the sword  she wields? She bites when provoked. Oh yes she does. Rile her angst at your peril...

Still thinking your Black vote does not count? Think again. Oh yes it does. Our work is not complete. Get to the polls in January in Georgia and all polls beyond...

Protect our Sistah' Stacey. Our Ancestors are rejoicing with us  that she has avenged their dignity and the continued attack on their/our humanity. She restored faith in the power of We the People. That alone is monumental. Black glee, Black pride, Black self determination, Black independence still has a way of scaring the crap out of those who it does not just make damn mad. Protect our Sistah' and those whose spirit she has awakened and joined in unity...

I predict that Ms. Abrams, who has taken and earned her place in history, will be Time Magazine's Person of the Year. If all is fair, OK give me this moment, how could she not be? She is the face of will, determination, resilience and the almighty power of one! 

Call her an "Angry Black Woman". We will own it! If her "anger" fueled the best example of advocacy for civil, social and legal justice for all we have seen since the 1960s, then, may the spirit of Angry Black Women RISE and spread like an underestimated, uncontrolled and largely ignored contagious virus. May her spirit sweep across our nation and around the globe with unapologetic and reckless abandonment. What was it that Ms. Angelou said about us? Phenomenal we are! Believe It!

Miss Higgi Says:

I Love me some Us!

I Love me some Stacey!

Six Years Ago Today...

Upon waking on many mornings, I write. All too often I am writing on FB when in fact I should be writing on this blog or better yet, that book I have known is in me for many years now... 

Daily, FB shares its members, memories from the same day on years gone by. Ironically, what I wrote on this day six years ago is so fitting right now. Check it out...

Helen Higginbotham
November 14, 2014 ·

I had breakfast with an American ex-pat this morning who wants never to live in the US again. She even wants another passport with which she can travel feeling free of disdain so many nations have for America... An older White woman speaking here... Now that's saying something. We might not want to hear it, but it is definitely saying something...


I can't say I am there but living in other places certainly allows one to see just how much can be/needs to be improved in the US. Stop drinking the Koolade, we are not the best...

I am mostly disheartened by the broken American spirit. Not sure what happened, OK not sure HOW it happened, HOW we ALLOWED it to happen... We are moving backward as a nation and seemingly have no will to stop it... That is scary.

When Americans lost their homes, their savings, their pensions, got ripped off by the banks with mortgage schemes, professionals became homeless or working for minimum or lesser wages or were forced to work longer than planned all while bailing out big banks, restrictive laws were passed and corporate execs got richer and we did NOTHING.... That spoke volumes to me. Deeply disturbed that if those occurrences did not make us mad as hell and determined not to take it anymore, I am not sure what will... We feel powerless and our spirit is broken. Damaged people, produce a damaged government, produce damaged future generations...

Forgive the rant. Just what I am feeling this morning after spending most of the last year outside the US.... The US is in trouble and too deluded and egotistical to acknowledge it. Wake Up People, Wake Up!!!

Weekend Binge Watch - Trial 4

Is anyone watching this documentary on Netflix, Trial 4? It is Central Park 5 all over again in Boston 1993. Cold blooded, "win by any means" female prosecutor, phyllis broker, who went on to become and retire as a judge, dirty disgusting and crooked POS cops and get this, a Black DA, Ralph Martin, who allowed that an innocent and nice young man of 19, Sean Ellis, with absolutely no criminal record was railroaded to life in prison without the possibility of parole. From the footage, the judge looks Black too. SMH... It took three trials to convict him. The irregularities and blatant disregard for the law, especially by the cops, are astounding...


Parties identified for some of the most egregious acts refused comment for the documentary. Why can't people just stand in their dirt? Clearly they have ZERO conscience. Do they expect that if ever their deeds are discovered they will be long dead? Despicable people!!!


In this instance, what seems like a dirty cop known for questionable "policing" was shot while sleeping in his car while moonlighting as security at a 24-hour Walgreen. He had ruined so many lives that they didn't know where to start looking for who might have had incentive to kill him execution style. He died the way he policed, inhumanely and unjustly... No matter how dirty, he should not have died that way. His uniform was blue so in death somehow, he is to be revered a "nice guy" and a "dedicated officer". Because of the latter, someone had to pay. ANYbody! ANY Black body!!! SMH...


I am half through but its another Exonerated 5, When They See Us. Only God knows how many young Black men have been falsely accused, prosecuted and imprisoned? All so that someone, cops and sadly, prosecutors as well, can live a full and prosperous life not losing one moments sleep for all the innocent lives and families they have ruined. The lengths to which his peers and others go to avenge the death, discount the deeds and to paint a better picture of what sounds like a very, very bad cop is shameful and truly indicative of what is so very wrong with policing in America and why it is necessary to never back away from nor stop reminding America that BLACK LIVES MATTER!!!


Check it out!

Here is the trailer:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=share&v=Q_X_WqC75Yc

I'm Just Tired...

I can dig it!

I'm just tired, mentally and emotionally that is... My soul, my spirit, my being, I feel trapped... For those who know me, this comes as no surprise...

My escapism when all is not well in my world or sometimes to simply refuel for no particular reason, is to take flight. No cure like getting on a plane and waking up in some place new. No cure like it all! My motto is "Some people do drugs, I do airplanes". I NEED an airplane BAAAD y'all...


Of course a good solo road trip with some good ole' Old Skool' music, lots of sunshine, plenty of highway miles before me, meeting good people along the way brings me great joy too. For fear of COVID laced hotel rooms, I have not done that either. 2020 has been a wash!

2020 was supposed to be a year filled with lots of joy and new beginnings. Even the sound of "2020" has a joyous ring. Lots of folks had grand ideas and plans for the start of the new decade. Hats off to those who had the fortitude to make lemonade and get shit done. I seriously applaud you!

2020 was a milestone year for me. I had planned a glorious trip back to Bahia, Brazil for a beach party with friends to celebrate me! Didn't happen. 2025? Ah, we'll see... 2020 was not a total wash. At least we got that idiot out of the white house... Thank you smart Americans!!!

It has been ONE year since last I took flight. Last November I went to Nairobi, Kenya. Had I known I was going to get stuck stateside, I would have remained abroad. Not necessarily in Kenya but certainly some place else...

I had thought I would try to get a quick fix by taking a short jaunt for Christmas but with COVID on the rise and greedy airlines packing flights again, I don't see that happening. I am moving into a more spacious and lots of windows and natural light! Thank You Lord! I suppose that in the meantime, at least for the temporary, my new digs will be my newness, my means of escape where my soul will find peace and contentment, my mind will find rest and I won't feel so tired. I'm claiming it...

It's raining. So no walk today...

And that is Miss Higgi's Thursday morning rant! Make it a good day!!!

Just Ranting...

This is it! America gets to see/show what she is made of. trump clearly has no intention of exiting the white house, peacefully or otherwise. He and the republicans have set the stage, stacked the courts and incited just enough angry crazed wannabe' proud boys to set off some real shit. Police unions nationwide overwhelmingly endorsed him and are likely on his team, putin and other evil enemies support him in his destruction of America, of course they do! and now your royal asshole has fired the head of Defense because he had the balls to tell him no... How soon before the war staged for distraction begins? The wall around the white house (which is actually being reinforced now because it went up some time ago, right after 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue became BLM Plaza, but was not properly reported) is set, a fortress is made, the bunker is stocked, amy is in place along with 200 others who now call themselves "judge". The players in place, backbones broken and the stage has been set. It will take the military to get him out but I am told that the military is hands off in domestic affairs.


On this day we celebrate our veterans, I pray that our retired and revered military brass have joined forces with key active military officials behind the scenes and are plotting how to save America... A true coup indeed... I really do. We need some real life Hollywood, Ninja action shit right about now...


Of course trump, mcconnell, guiliani, pompeo and a host of others, will be no where near danger if/when some shit goes off. The ignoramuses they have incited will risk their lives and safety to preserve life, liberty and prosperity for those making $400K and far more and who could give a damn about them. It's quite fascinating. "Almost", said jim jones...


America has tolerated trump. The media created and profited from trump, quiet as its kept, they will miss him. Twitter GAVE him a platform to harass, embarrass and terrorize a nation. The republicans have totally succumbed to trump. Racism and white supremacy fueled and empowered him. comey, oh, let us never forget comey, ignited and gave license and life to trump.. I will never forgive comey... So tell me gain, WHY are we planning to reach across the aisle?


Since Obama, America justified, rationalized, watered down, downplayed, ignored, was entertained by and called a lot of "its" and "isms" by other names... The press, history scholars and others refused to call a coup a coup and ONLY Judge Emmitt Sullivan, a Black judge, dared utter the word "treason"... blatant hate, incredible ignorance, racism, xenophobia, misogyny, disrespect to our veterans, discrediting of our intelligence, making a mockery out of the medical and legal systems (how many more will sacrifice themselves, their careers, their integrity, their professions for a masterful con man?), to hell with order or the rule of law... Drain the swamp? He IS the damn swamp! And NOW we wonder why more than 70M voted for more of him? Really? He sees their votes as a mandate that previously existed in his mind only... It did not matter that he was not a legitimate elect in 2016. It makes zero difference to him that he is not legit' now. Get ready for some more electoral college BS!!! Here we go! He intends to stay. What will America do?


This "man" has broken every rule, crossed every line and kicked through every supposedly sacred or protected barrier imaginable. Words like dignity, integrity and morality escape the very limited scope of his elementary dictionary. Educated and so called "cultured" people support him for talking and looking tough. Seriously? He is 6th grade school yard bully til' he gets his ass kicked tough. Let's kick his ass America! He is so tough that he evaded the military and thinks those who did not are "suckers and losers". Rise up "suckers and losers". Make him call you Daddy! He has probably never been in a physical fight in his life.


As his "tough guy" persona is at the level, tactics and vocabulary, of a 6th grade school yard punk, I get his attraction to redneck yahoos', ignorant rappers and zero esteem women, but rich white guys (some sadly Black, Latino and Jewish - SMH), who like or are inspired by him have some deep seated other shit going on. Now that's a WOW for the books on so many levels...


In their zest to promote, preserve and protect eternal whiteness at the expense of all others, the ingeniously racist, slave holding founding "fathers", failed to account for crazy, hitler type white boyz' rising to power. Still think it the "greatest document ever written"? They knew that they had fed a society and created a system generated by hate and imagined superiority that would never tolerate insurrection by any others, to include white women who also support the racism and sexism of trump (SMH), but seemingly failed to protect their precious nation from a crazed white guy like trump. Or did they? Is trump not attempting to return the US back to the nation they "founded"?, one of bigotry, where white male dominance, a wealthy few and free labor ruled the day? White women sat on pedestals, they were disrespected and thought only one step above the lowly enslaved but happy to be perched on that pedestal. Perhaps that explains her vote for trump. They too want to make their America great again. Hmmm.... Maybe the founding dudes were brilliant after all. None of this would have been tolerated by non-white or non-men. Those who support trump, would have been stopped long ago. Never would it have gotten to this level. Never would they have been allowed to dismantle that which we call democracy, embarrass us at home and abroad, risk our sovereignty and safety, jeopardize our very basic freedoms... ¡Nunca!


I am really just ranting this morning. Forgive me. If I were a painter this would simply be a messy canvas upon which colors of no logic or order were strewn. Some would call it a masterpiece and others would look at it in WTF wonderment. LOL!!! Call this messy painting my thoughts...


I think I'll go take a walk by the river or across the bridge, I haven't done that in a while... Good Morning and Happy Veterans Day folks!!! I truly hope that our good veterans and others are somewhere plotting and will rise up to save the day, to save the nation as they have other nations. Be super heroes in your own land. Show us the style of greatness America has so successfully marketed herself to be as she involved herself in the affairs of others. Involve yourself in your own affairs and fix this shit! Show trump and his band of evil "yes" men just who is in charge...


We shall see what America is really made of. America needs to get mad as she did post 9-11 or that day will be a picnic compared to what these evil "AMERICAN" and so called "patriotic" bastards intend to do to America, to include you idiots who support him. SMH...


OK, Miss Higgi's morning rant is complete!