I Will ALWAYS Love My Mama...

Today my Mother would have been 79. She died at the tender age of 45. Already I have outlived her by 15 years. Forever she will be young in my mind...

I wonder what she would look like at 79. Her Mom was prematurely gray. She wanted salt and pepper hair so bad. It didn't happen... I am 60 and have never dyed my hair. The gray matter is just showing up in my hair and seemingly in my brain. Some days, I swear! LOL!!!.. 

How cool would she be? How cool would I be? I was her "ride or die" and she knew that...

She used to call me "Lita". Her favorite pastime was bragging about her children. Would she be proud of her Lita? Would I have fulfilled my dream to fill her life with joy and all the material things she sacrificed in her own life raising her five babies? Every year I showered her with tokens of my love for her birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day and of course Christmas. Her friends would eagerly ask, "what did Helen give you this year"? I loved giving her more bragging rights. I lived to make her happy. Now I live...

Would she be in good health? My health is giving me challenges I never expected at 60. WTF??? I watch so many friends struggle with decisions about what to do, where to live, how to manage care and residence for parents aging or with ailing health and I don't envy the very difficult decisions that come with inevitable parent/child role reversal. I do my best to support and cheer them on from my own frame of reference. I would rather not be the "expert". Sigh...

Recently, I advised a friend who was feeling pressured by doctors to take her 97 year old Mom off a ventilator to ignore the daily badgering from doctors who did not value her Mom's life as does she. I told my friend to ask her Mom what she wanted to do. I told her to have her Mom squeeze her finger, blink her eye but in some way to signal her desire. I told my friend to be frank with her Mother, tell her the options as being presented and let her decide. Speaking from experience, I knew it would ease my friend's burden knowing she had honored her Mother's wishes, no matter the outcome. Her Mom signaled that she wanted to live. The doctors said she might last 8 hours breathing on her own. It has been a matter of weeks. She is off the ventilator and holding her own. My friend is at ease...

I was 26 when Mommy died. We had to make the same decision. The cancer was winning despite her courage, determination and fighting spirit. She still had life and hope, as did we. We were all hoping for a miracle and then some crappy doctor punctured her lung while inserting a portacath. I still remember his name, "Jesus", except he wasn't... 

She ended up on a ventilator and we too were put in the situation of what to do. Although she had always said not to resuscitate her, when it came time to make that decision, I still remember the relief of not being burdened to make the final decision regarding her life. She was able to tell us what she wanted in terms of resuscitation. She was only 45 with two new grandchildren who she adored. She was still young. Life was good. Of course she wanted to live...

Would she have overcome her fear of flying and traveled the world with me? I think so... 

I will never forget her dropping me at JFK to travel for a semester abroad in Spain. She was fearful of my flying and my free spirit I suppose. She never thought I would get on that plane traveling so far away from her and the comfort of the nest she had created. I was 21 and had never flown before. Valencia, Spain was my first flight. I cried like a baby before getting on that plane. I literally had a temper tantrum of proportions on par with any five year old. Still I am embarrassed...

Mommy had gone to park the car and the mean ole' flight attendants made me get on the plane without seeing her to say good-bye. I was beside myself... Still I got on that plane in 1982 and I have been traveling ever since; six of the seven continents. Life has been rewarding... Mommy had written me a long letter to read on the plane, just in case I overcame her fear and got on. She mailed it to me later in Valencia. In it, she told me how proud she was of me. I still have the letter. Five months later, I came home early in May and surprised her for Mother's Day. Thank God I did. I had only four more Mother's Days to give her joy...

If I heard her voice, would I recognize it? Please keep recordings of your loved ones voice. 33 years later and still I want to see her, hold her, tell her how much I love and admire her (which I did not say often enough), thank her for life but oh to hear her voice...

Every year on her birthday, I hear Eric Clapton singing Tears from Heaven in my head. It is a sad song he wrote about the death of his 5 year old young son. I cannot imagine his heartbreak. They say the hardest deaths are that of a Mother or a child. I believe it...

Click here to enjoy the lyrics and the softness of his voice, the gentle melody, the peacefulness of the song . All of it, it just soothes me... The lyrics and the audio are posted below.

After raising 5 kids she was just beginning to live when she died. It was her turn. Life can be so damn cruel. Live People Live!!!

Happy "Would Be 79th" Birthday Mommy!!! Lita STILL LOVES you more than you will ever know...

Tears From Heaven

Would you know my name

If I saw you in heaven?

Would it be the same

If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong and carry on

'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven

Would you hold my hand

If I saw you in heaven?

Would you help me stand

If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way through night and day

'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees

Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please

Beyond the door, there's peace, I'm sure

And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven

Would you know my name

If I saw you in heaven?

Would you be the same

If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong and carry on

'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven